Conversations About Fear Part 2: Rewrite Your Story
Fear. We all have it.
One of the oldest emotions, fear lives deep inside our lizard brain. It keeps us on edge and makes us jump out of our seats when we’re watching a movie like The Exorcist, or The Shining.
Fear can keep us safe, but It can also hold us back. It tells us stories that keep us stuck in the familiar, and can stop us from going for our dreams.
The Scaredy-Cat
As a kid, I always felt like a scaredy-cat. Clowns freaked me out, I’d rather stay home than go meet Santa at the mall, and I was the one screaming to be let off the Ferris wheel. Wanting to think through every possible scenario before trying something new, I was told I “worried too much.” I hated being “so serious,” and didn’t want to be so damn sensitive. I thought that being “sensitive” was the same as “weak.”
When I learned that I’m a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), so much of my life started to make sense. I can’t stand chaos. I don’t do well in loud environments. Bright lights hurt my eyes. I’m terrified of Ferris wheels—and that’s okay. In fact, it’s normal. We HSPs— about 20- 30% of the population—process things differently. We “feel” things differently.
Realizing I’m an HSP is helping me understand that my fear wasn’t—and isn’t—a sign of weakness. It’s a natural response to the way my body experiences things. I’m not a boring, unsociable buzzkill. I’m not a scaredy-cat. In fact, if I do say so myself, I’m actually quite fun and outgoing when I need to be. While fear can be intense, I’ve learned that it’s something I can navigate and manage.
In part 1 of "Conversations with Fear," I wrote about the evolution of fear and its overall effects, touching on the big three: fear of failure, rejection, and the unknown. Now, let’s look at how fear shows up in our daily lives. How is it helpful? How is it limiting? How does fear take our power?
Fear in Our Daily Lives
In part 1 of "Conversations with Fear," I wrote about the evolution of fear and its overall effects, touching on the big three: fear of failure, rejection, and the unknown. Now, let’s look at how fear shows up in our daily lives. How is it helpful? How is it limiting? How does fear take our power?
Most of us will do just about anything to avoid thinking about the things we’re afraid of. But avoiding fear only gives it more control. Facing our fear can be difficult, because it forces us to sit with some of the things that make us most uncomfortable.
While it may sound counterintuitive, taking pen to paper and writing about our fear is one of the most important steps toward understanding and managing our emotions.
For us sensitive souls, getting to know the fear stories inside our heads is essential for making positive change. When we identify exactly what we are afraid of, - when, and why - we can figure out how to give it less power.
Right - But, How?
Writing can help us understand and let go of fear stories so they don’t keep running our lives. Sit your butt down, make a list of some of your fears, then pick one, and write.
Five Steps to Understand and Manage Your Fear
A Dinner Conversation with Fear
A common reaction to fear is to ignore it and force yourself to calm down. Instead of doing this, take some time and sit with the specific fear you’ve chosen. Imagine you’re going on a dinner date, so you can listen closely. Hear what it’s telling you. Hear it out.
Once you're sitting down at the dinner table (aka a journal of some type), ask your fear a few questions. This exercise isn’t just a flight of fancy—it’s a powerful way to get familiar with and understand your fear on a more personal level. Some questions to get you started:
Why are you with me?
What are you trying to protect me from?
What do you want me to understand or learn?
Worst Case Scenario
Now that you’re more familiar with your fear, think about the worst thing that might happen. Most of us have probably heard “Stop catastrophizing.” But ignoring fear might not be the best idea for HSPs. So let’s go for it.
What’s the absolute worst thing that could happen? Follow your thoughts to the extreme. Let all those “what ifs” play out on paper instead of bouncing around in your head.
Planning for the worst and imagining what you’d do in an emergency is one of the factors that gets people to behave heroically in a crisis, instead of freezing up.
Origin Story
Where does this fear come from? Do you have a childhood memory tied to it? Did you inherit it from parents, friends, colleagues, social media? Some internalized fear narratives aren’t even our own but are traumas passed down through generations.
Examine the Evidence
When we feel fear, it’s easy to accept it as fact without questioning it. Let’s challenge these thoughts: “Is this fear true? Is this really true?” Asking this question—and writing about it—can bring powerful awareness. Notice when your fear is tied to past events, making you think it will happen again. It won’t—unless you let it.
Change the Narrative - Make Fear Goals
Is it time to change this fear story? Think about your strengths. If we see thoughts and feelings as just that—thoughts and feelings—we can rewrite our internal narrative. Set a few small, achievable fear goals: Say hello to a stranger. Dance in the middle of the library. If you’re ready to go full bore, try a stand-up comedy routine. People don’t care or judge nearly as much as we think they do.
We judge ourselves more than anyone else.
Perfectly Imperfect
Stop judging yourself. Is there something you want to do, or a dream you have, but aren’t going after because you’re scared? What is it, and what are you scared of? The truth is, we can never “overcome” fear. It’s always going to be there—what we need to do is learn how to live with it.
Judging yourself for being afraid won’t help you face that fear. Don’t try to be perfect. It’s easy to get stuck in “shoulds.” Instead of labeling fear as good or bad, go back to the dinner table, and talk to it. What is fear trying to tell you? Then figure out what that info means and what to do about it.
Life is messy, and you don’t have to be hard on yourself all the time.
When you're working on facing your fears, remember to take breaks:
Breathe deeply: Try a short breathing exercise: inhale for four counts, hold for four counts, and exhale for four counts.
Take a walk. Make a cup of tea.
Watch a cute or funny animal video.
Move your body: Put on some music and dance—shake it off.
Finally, add some positive self-talk to your internal repertoire: “I’ve got this. I’m going to get this. I’ve been here before, and I can do this.”
Plan to Fail Forward
We all fail. It’s an inevitable part of life. Sometime in the near future, we’re probably going to embarrass ourselves or feel like crap because something didn’t work out.
A number of years ago, I baked a cake. I was taking it to a family and friends get-together and really wanted it to be perfect. I bought all kinds of little cake doo-dads and planned on decorating it with a cool theme.
What I ended up with was a chocolate brick. I even used a “foolproof” cake mix—which made the whole thing even worse. Epic meltdown. There was no way I was taking that thing with me. Sitting on the stairs crying, chocolate doorstop on my lap, I thought about running into town—a 45-minute drive—to buy something to replace it, but by that time, I’d already made everyone late.
Thinking about that cake still makes me smile to this day and reminds me not to take myself so seriously. Some of the best stories come out of epic fails.
Failure isn’t something we should always avoid. If we take a risk and it doesn’t work out, try something different. After melting down—let’s be honest, we’ve all been there—adjust your approach for the next try.
It’s time to start rewriting the fear story and stop letting it drive us.
Embracing Fear: My Next Chocolate Cake
As a recovering perfectionist, I’ve learned that my perfectionism is rooted in fear—fear of failure, fear of being judged, and most of all, fear of rejection. While writing this, I’ve tweaked it a million times, and it’s taken way too long to finish. Pressing “publish” means taking up space and being seen—scary as hell for my highly sensitive self who learned to avoid these things at all costs.
But has it really taken “too long?” Is that what I’d say to someone else—anyone but myself?
Maybe it’s taken exactly as much time as I needed. Maybe this is my next chocolate brick cake, and that’s okay.
Learning to be kinder to myself and not judge so harshly is a lifelong lesson. Practicing what I preach means embracing this journey of self-compassion and allowing myself to be perfectly imperfect.
Fear shapes our decisions, actions, and life path. By tackling it head-on—whether it's fear of failure, rejection, or the unknown—we unlock the potential for growth, resilience, and courage.
Call to Action: Therapy Helps
Fear can be a powerful force, but it doesn't have to control our lives. Therapy can offer a supportive space to explore, understand and learn to manage fear - especially for HSPs and Bi+ folks. With patience, a curious heart, and the right tools we can turn fear from a barrier into a stepping stone towards growth. If you're ready to take the next step, consider reaching out for professional support.
It is possible to rewrite your fear story.
Stay Tuned
Stay tuned for my next piece, where I’ll be writing about coping tools. By the way, I'll be writing an article soon about what it means to be an HSP, in case you're wondering if you might be one too.
Check out: Conversations About Fear - Part One
All rights reserved: Tori Corbett Counseling. 2024
